Gumfotrat is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, unselfish crocodile.

Gumfotrat created bats seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Gumfotrat, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Gumfotrat, it will destroy your favourite star.

Gumfotrat's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Gumfotrat's Holy Commandments

1. Never mix strawberries with water.

2. Never write about quantum gravity.

3. Mites are not to be trusted.

4. Never wear red coats on sacred days.

5. Never handle gold while unclean.