Gonwapjap is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, smart badger.

Gonwapjap created silver eight thousand years ago.

If you believe in Gonwapjap, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Gonwapjap, he will have an extremely low opinion of you.

Gonwapjap's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Gonwapjap's Holy Commandments

1. Always look after injured whales.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Hide from mauve tapirs for they are unholy.

5. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.