Kikarnkar is a god.

He takes the form of a seven thousand metre long, bad-tempered crow.

Kikarnkar created light four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kikarnkar, he will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Kikarnkar, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Kikarnkar's most sacred site is Vandet in Denmark.

Kikarnkar's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about thermodynamics near moths while wearing fawn dresses and balancing three copper spheres on your hands.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of gold.

3. Put Kikarnkar first in all things.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate manatees.

5. Always stare at clouds.