Nurzakvin is a god.

She takes the form of an one thousand metre long, able snail.

Nurzakvin created the universe nine million years ago.

If you believe in Nurzakvin, she will not care.

If you do not believe in Nurzakvin, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Nurzakvin's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Nurzakvin's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a giant cyan sculpture of Nurzakvin in the centre of the settlement.

2. Never sprint near ducks.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Nurzakvin.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Always look both ways before crossing roads.