Ortvonjin is a god.

It takes the form of a three thousand metre long, bad-tempered jaguar.

Ortvonjin created a quark three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ortvonjin, it will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Ortvonjin, it will turn you into a dog.

Ortvonjin's most sacred site is Laurila in Finland.

Ortvonjin's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about dark energy near eagles while wearing mauve boots.

2. Never hurt seals.

3. Always help horses.

4. Never think about optics near gulls while wearing blue rings and balancing six platinum spheres on your legs.

5. Do not keep eight nematodes in a large pit.