Bemjamrul is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, pitiless walrus.

Bemjamrul created snails five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bemjamrul, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Bemjamrul, he will turn you into a hamster.

Bemjamrul's most sacred site is Corsock in Scotland.

Bemjamrul's Holy Commandments

1. Always obey Bemjamrul's priests.

2. Do not run in public.

3. Feed all hungry swans.

4. Never think about the strong nuclear force near grasshopers while wearing yellow boots and balancing three titanium spheres on your arms.

5. Never think about special relativity.