Haksandrill is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, all-knowing cat.

Haksandrill created the universe three million years ago.

If you believe in Haksandrill, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Haksandrill, he will turn you into a duck.

Haksandrill's most sacred site is Kgope in Botswana.

Haksandrill's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear plain trousers during rituals.

2. Never eat grapes on days of mourning.

3. Do not contemplate the strong nuclear force during the night.

4. You must never eat pineapples.

5. Do not keep six snails in a large pit.