Hakzakbonk is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely heavy, witty scorpion.

Hakzakbonk created carbon nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Hakzakbonk, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Hakzakbonk, he will turn you into a tree.

Hakzakbonk's most sacred site is Sirama in Madagascar.

Hakzakbonk's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about electromagnetism.

2. Never gather seven ducks near doors.

3. Walk at least five thousand metres per day.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Never wear white stockings.