Jarntarptal is a god.

It takes the form of a blubbery, all-powerful unicorn.

Jarntarptal created the planet Earth six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jarntarptal, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Jarntarptal, it will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Jarntarptal's most sacred site is Gassin in France.

Jarntarptal's Holy Commandments

1. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Paint representations of moons on the walls of your dwelling place.

4. Never speak the names of black holes aloud.

5. Never allow ducks to sleep beneath your roof.