Hamfigmis is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, humorless jaguar.

Hamfigmis created Africa five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hamfigmis, it will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Hamfigmis, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Hamfigmis' most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Hamfigmis' Holy Commandments

1. Never pray while filled with envy.

2. Never wear pink hats.

3. Worship no other gods but Hamfigmis.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. Do not speak sacred words in winter.