Laptifont is a god.

He takes the form of a minute, pitiless tapir.

Laptifont created Europe seven million years ago.

If you believe in Laptifont, he will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Laptifont, he will be mildly annoyed.

Laptifont's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Laptifont's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from turquoise ants for they are unholy.

2. Run away from blue dolphins, for they are unholy.

3. Goats are not to be trusted.

4. Never hurt doves.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.