Ranstanxuckantenpak is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, staggering newt.

Ranstanxuckantenpak created tapeworms six million years ago.

If you believe in Ranstanxuckantenpak, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Ranstanxuckantenpak, she will attempt to scare you with hail.

Ranstanxuckantenpak's most sacred site is Bogogobo in Botswana.

Ranstanxuckantenpak's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate cats.

2. Do not fashion models of living things.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Feed all hungry bats.

5. Never think about the strong nuclear force.