Apphonteen is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, dishonest human.

Apphonteen created the Cigar Galaxy eight million years ago.

If you believe in Apphonteen, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Apphonteen, he will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Apphonteen's most sacred site is Mazunte in Mexico.

Apphonteen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

2. Learn nine new languages a year.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Do not drink water in gray rooms.

5. Do not count beyond five during ceremonies.