Kintalweg is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, kind cow.

Kintalweg created viruses seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kintalweg, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Kintalweg, she will be very unhappy.

Kintalweg's most sacred site is Vestfold in Norway.

Kintalweg's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate snakes.

2. You must never eat gooseberries.

3. Never eat green fruit.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Never feed lots of limes to porpoises while wearing black coats.