Yarlpognart is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, ruthless squirrel.

Yarlpognart created the Whirlpool Galaxy five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Yarlpognart, he will not care.

If you do not believe in Yarlpognart, he will turn you into a dog.

Yarlpognart's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Yarlpognart's Holy Commandments

1. Never look at stars.

2. Do not sprint in public.

3. Do not wear silicon on your body.

4. Worship no other gods but Yarlpognart.

5. Always treat cats with great respect.