Jatnuttbif Gaddobgar is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, clever jaguar.

Jatnuttbif Gaddobgar created vertebrates seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Jatnuttbif Gaddobgar, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Jatnuttbif Gaddobgar, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Jatnuttbif Gaddobgar's most sacred site is Letino in Italy.

Jatnuttbif Gaddobgar's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear orange.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Do not drink water in mauve rooms.

4. Never paint your head magenta.

5. Never look at dwarf planets.