Jamyatgon is a god.

He takes the form of a rotund, awe-inspiring monkey.

Jamyatgon created humankind seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Jamyatgon, he will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Jamyatgon, he will turn you into a puffin.

Jamyatgon's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Jamyatgon's Holy Commandments

1. Jamyatgon loves geese, so they must be honoured.

2. Do not laugh at rivers.

3. Never paint your arms mauve.

4. Never allow sheep to witness sacred rites.

5. Never mention horses.