Bemfargentig is a god.

He takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, generous fly.

Bemfargentig created an up quark nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bemfargentig, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Bemfargentig, he will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Bemfargentig's most sacred site is Acanceh in Mexico.

Bemfargentig's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Eagles are not to be trusted.

3. Turtles are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Always look after injured great tits.

5. Always make sure there are no whales in a room before entering it.