Ortpagfen is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely thin, ruthless giraffe.

Ortpagfen created Mount Everest nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ortpagfen, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Ortpagfen, it will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Ortpagfen's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Ortpagfen's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from yellow badgers for they are unholy.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Always wear plain trousers during rituals.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Always look after injured tapirs.