Hanzenyik is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, amazing tapir.

Hanzenyik created everything that exists nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hanzenyik, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Hanzenyik, she will manifest in front of you.

Hanzenyik's most sacred site is Dimson in England.

Hanzenyik's Holy Commandments

1. Hanzenyik loves swans, so they must be honoured.

2. Erect a large zinc sculpture of Hanzenyik on top of all buildings.

3. Do not prepare peanuts while wearing tights.

4. Always act with humility.

5. Never sprint near mites.