Gontad is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, selfish gorilla.

Gontad created dark matter eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gontad, it will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Gontad, it will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Gontad's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Gontad's Holy Commandments

1. Never remain bowed at midday.

2. Heed all dreams.

3. Never skip in holy places.

4. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

5. Always cleanse your hands after touching aluminium.