Tamlakget is a god.

It takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, merciless troll.

Tamlakget created light two million years ago.

If you believe in Tamlakget, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Tamlakget, it will turn you into a giant snail.

Tamlakget's most sacred site is Hobeck in Germany.

Tamlakget's Holy Commandments

1. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

2. Do not cook food in pots.

3. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Do not trade with those who eat strawberries.