Quatpinfly is a god.

She takes the form of a minute, strong hummingbird.

Quatpinfly created a photon eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Quatpinfly, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Quatpinfly, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Quatpinfly's most sacred site is Wukan in China.

Quatpinfly's Holy Commandments

1. Never handle carbon while unclean.

2. Never chant in the presence of ducks.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Always count to nine before sleeping.

5. Always wear green.