Gartomgil is a god.

She takes the form of a blubbery, proud clam.

Gartomgil created carbon five billion years ago.

If you believe in Gartomgil, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Gartomgil, she will turn you into a giant slug.

Gartomgil's most sacred site is Tatul in Bulgaria.

Gartomgil's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about spacetime near grasshopers while wearing green hats and balancing eight zinc spheres on your chest.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Never talk about aardvarks.

4. Never chant in holy places.

5. Never write about galaxies.