Kontarbam is a god.

He takes the form of a slim, generous owl.

Kontarbam created carbon five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kontarbam, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Kontarbam, he will boil you in a big pot.

Kontarbam's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Kontarbam's Holy Commandments

1. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

2. Do not wear green clothing.

3. You must love Kontarbam.

4. Always treat capybaras with great respect.

5. Never laugh in the presence of manatees.