Jarnmatfig is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, selfish mole.

Jarnmatfig created energy nine million years ago.

If you believe in Jarnmatfig, she will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Jarnmatfig, she will turn you into a tree.

Jarnmatfig's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Jarnmatfig's Holy Commandments

1. Do not cook food in pots.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Jarnmatfig.

3. Always make sure there are no birds in a building before entering it.

4. Feed all hungry mites.

5. Always make sure there are no goats in a room before entering it.