Kabquimkar is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, tiresome gnu.

Kabquimkar created energy nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kabquimkar, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Kabquimkar, he will turn you into a worm.

Kabquimkar's most sacred site is Questenberg in Germany.

Kabquimkar's Holy Commandments

1. Always cleanse oil with water.

2. Do not step barefoot upon orange earth.

3. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

4. Paint representations of stars on the walls of your dwelling place in brown.

5. Do not drink alcohol.