Kimyarlwab is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, duplicitous cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Kimyarlwab created humankind five million years ago.

If you believe in Kimyarlwab, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Kimyarlwab, he will destroy your favourite planet.

Kimyarlwab's most sacred site is Cobbelsdorf in Germany.

Kimyarlwab's Holy Commandments

1. Do not trade with those who eat spinach.

2. Always keep your back turned to the east at sunset.

3. Never touch water while clean.

4. Always face the north before speaking sacred words.

5. Put Kimyarlwab first in all things.