Tarpkamved is a god.

She takes the form of a three thousand metre long, calm octopus.

Tarpkamved created viruses eight million years ago.

If you believe in Tarpkamved, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Tarpkamved, she will be mildly annoyed.

Tarpkamved's most sacred site is Brancion in France.

Tarpkamved's Holy Commandments

1. Never prepare wheat during winter.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

3. Do not step barefoot upon yellow earth.

4. Do not utter prayers while touching zinc.

5. Do not fashion tools from nickel.