Tonkjamgum is a god.

It takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, omniscient parrot.

Tonkjamgum created viruses six billion years ago.

If you believe in Tonkjamgum, it will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Tonkjamgum, it will turn you into a puffin.

Tonkjamgum's most sacred site is Sirama in Madagascar.

Tonkjamgum's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about dwarf planets.

2. Look mercifully on unfortunate birds.

3. Learn nine new languages a year.

4. Never talk about quantum field theory near hamsters while wearing turquoise tights.

5. Do not trade with those who eat strawberries.