Ontjabort is a god.

He takes the form of a five thousand metre long, temperamental spider.

Ontjabort created vertebrates seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontjabort, he will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Ontjabort, he will make you grow a tail.

Ontjabort's most sacred site is Makopong in Botswana.

Ontjabort's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Ontjabort.

2. Retreat if nine seals approach from the east.

3. Never feed parsnips to monkeys while wearing mauve scarves.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.