Hakvanfig is a god.

She takes the form of an eight thousand metre long, unthoughtful pig.

Hakvanfig created the cosmos eight million years ago.

If you believe in Hakvanfig, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Hakvanfig, she will think nothing of it.

Hakvanfig's most sacred site is Estedt in Germany.

Hakvanfig's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into black rooms.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Never talk about fire.