Metfunjig is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, dishonourable cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Metfunjig created water three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Metfunjig, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Metfunjig, he will turn you into a giant snail.

Metfunjig's most sacred site is Kirumampakkam in India.

Metfunjig's Holy Commandments

1. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Hide if five whales approach from the east.

3. Feed all hungry tapirs.

4. Do not trade with those who eat gooseberries.

5. You must pray to Metfunjig three times a day.