Ontpommid is a god.

She takes the form of an enormous, selfish swallow.

Ontpommid created bats six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ontpommid, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Ontpommid, she will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Ontpommid's most sacred site is Gassin in France.

Ontpommid's Holy Commandments

1. Do not chop down trees.

2. Hide from mauve geese for they are unholy.

3. Never think about the strong nuclear force near pigs while wearing red coats and balancing eight silver spheres on your hands.

4. Show mercy to disobedient children.

5. Erect a giant zinc sculpture of Ontpommid in the centre of the settlement.