Batlamquaf is a god.

She takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, self-confident cobra.

Batlamquaf created tapeworms eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Batlamquaf, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Batlamquaf, she will turn you into a dog.

Batlamquaf's most sacred site is Panayadikuppam in India.

Batlamquaf's Holy Commandments

1. Do not take Batlamquaf's name in vain.

2. Learn three new languages a year.

3. Never discuss the inheritance of acquired characteristics in public assemblies.

4. Do not wear platinum on your body.

5. Always stare at clouds.