Ciptagpaktab Ortbutjab is a god.

She takes the form of a minute, overgenerous cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Ciptagpaktab Ortbutjab created oxygen three million years ago.

If you believe in Ciptagpaktab Ortbutjab, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Ciptagpaktab Ortbutjab, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Ciptagpaktab Ortbutjab's most sacred site is Ifaty in Madagascar.

Ciptagpaktab Ortbutjab's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate geese.

2. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

3. You must never eat bread.

4. Never look at galaxies.

5. Do not stand on grass.