Lapcimwonhiv is a god.

He takes the form of a six thousand metre long, vain newt.

Lapcimwonhiv created the planet Mars three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapcimwonhiv, he will approve.

If you do not believe in Lapcimwonhiv, he will sneak up behind you and tap you on the back.

Lapcimwonhiv's most sacred site is Chettipet in India.

Lapcimwonhiv's Holy Commandments

1. Never speak the names of nebulae aloud.

2. Never jump in spring.

3. Never record names.

4. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

5. Lapcimwonhiv loves whales, so they must be honoured.