Arpkinbif is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, tiresome raccoon.

Arpkinbif created the Sol system four million years ago.

If you believe in Arpkinbif, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Arpkinbif, he will torture you forever.

Arpkinbif's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Arpkinbif's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. Do not laugh in public.

3. Run away from cyan eagles, for they are unholy.

4. Never think about special relativity near pigs while wearing magenta skirts and balancing nine gold spheres on your hands.

5. Never bounce in the presence of snails.