Onttiphog is a god.

She takes the form of a giant, happy wolf.

Onttiphog created an up quark seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Onttiphog, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Onttiphog, she will turn you into a mouse.

Onttiphog's most sacred site is Olmarch in Wales.

Onttiphog's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Never feed bread to geese while wearing red boots.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never talk about solid mechanics near rats while wearing turquoise trousers and balancing nine lead spheres on your hands.

5. Never go into cyan rooms.