Figbugtetti is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, boastful hydra.

Figbugtetti created the Large Magellanic Cloud four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Figbugtetti, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Figbugtetti, he will say rude things about you at parties.

Figbugtetti's most sacred site is Oppin in Germany.

Figbugtetti's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Never talk about dark energy near gulls while wearing violet corsets and balancing nine lead spheres on your legs.

3. Figbugtetti must be the most important thing in your life.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Figbugtetti.

5. Do not take Figbugtetti's name in vain.