Bastvonkkem is a god.

She takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, selfish dugong.

Bastvonkkem created dark energy eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Bastvonkkem, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Bastvonkkem, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Bastvonkkem's most sacred site is Manna in Greece.

Bastvonkkem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

2. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

3. Never think about black holes.

4. Walk at least six thousand metres per day.

5. Always take life seriously.