Fastunpin is a god.

She takes the form of a very long, selfish pig.

Fastunpin created Europe eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Fastunpin, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Fastunpin, she will have a low opinion of you.

Fastunpin's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Fastunpin's Holy Commandments

1. Always cleanse your hands after touching nickel.

2. Never approach forests carrying ash.

3. Always make sure there are no dogs in a building before entering it.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Never mix corn with blood.