Lakarfgep is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, merciful pig.

Lakarfgep created the Small Magellanic Cloud eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lakarfgep, she will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Lakarfgep, she will turn you into a rock.

Lakarfgep's most sacred site is Goat's Hole Cave in England.

Lakarfgep's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about ultrasonics near voles while wearing red scarves and balancing seven titanium spheres on your arms.

2. Erect eight silver sculptures of Lakarfgep on top of important buildings.

3. Do not eat pineapples.

4. Respect your elders.

5. Never feed spinach to dolphins while wearing shoes.