Nurlvighonzan is a god.

He takes the form of a five thousand metre long, selfish lobster.

Nurlvighonzan created humankind two million years ago.

If you believe in Nurlvighonzan, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Nurlvighonzan, he will turn you into an amoeba.

Nurlvighonzan's most sacred site is Aguaruto in Mexico.

Nurlvighonzan's Holy Commandments

1. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

2. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

3. Learn four new languages a year.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Always make sure there are no shrews in a building before entering it.