Jarnmiftin is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, all-powerful monkey.

Jarnmiftin created matter eight million years ago.

If you believe in Jarnmiftin, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Jarnmiftin, he will turn you into a rat.

Jarnmiftin's most sacred site is Panayadikuppam in India.

Jarnmiftin's Holy Commandments

1. Learn nine new languages a year.

2. Retreat if three otters approach from the east.

3. Erect a giant carbon sculpture of Jarnmiftin in the centre of the settlement.

4. Never feed lentils to shrews while wearing black dresses.

5. Do not hurt pigs.