Fonvogtaf is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, prudent goblin.

Fonvogtaf created dark matter eight million years ago.

If you believe in Fonvogtaf, she will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Fonvogtaf, she will strike you with lightening.

Fonvogtaf's most sacred site is Dzhanka in Bulgaria.

Fonvogtaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never handle gold while unclean.

2. Fonvogtaf loves porpoises, so they must be honoured.

3. Always keep your back turned to the south at sunset.

4. Never think about fluid mechanics near foxes while wearing brown skirts and balancing three aluminium spheres on your neck.

5. Shun those given to vanity.