Bessmatfud is a god.

He takes the form of a very large, fast hydra.

Bessmatfud created a top quark two billion years ago.

If you believe in Bessmatfud, he will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Bessmatfud, he will turn you into a blue tit.

Bessmatfud's most sacred site is Iskmo in Finland.

Bessmatfud's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not drink water in pink rooms.

3. Never gather four aardvarks in one place.

4. You must never eat pineapples.

5. Feed all hungry goats.