Sasvonkquam is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, awe-inspiring hamster.

Sasvonkquam created water four million years ago.

If you believe in Sasvonkquam, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Sasvonkquam, he will remove you from existence.

Sasvonkquam's most sacred site is Katteri in India.

Sasvonkquam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not fashion sacred items from bone.

2. Do not speak about bananas.

3. Never look in ponds.

4. Never feed pineapples to goats while wearing purple kilts.

5. Do not listen to heathen tongues.