Larpsawmeg is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, bad-tempered crab.

Larpsawmeg created humanity seven million years ago.

If you believe in Larpsawmeg, she will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Larpsawmeg, she will turn you into a rock.

Larpsawmeg's most sacred site is Askos in Greece.

Larpsawmeg's Holy Commandments

1. Hide if three eagles approach from the south.

2. Always help whales in need.

3. Never handle aluminium while unclean.

4. Do not speak about bananas.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.