Lamdudwig is a god.

He takes the form of a small, merciful narwhal.

Lamdudwig created a Higgs boson four million years ago.

If you believe in Lamdudwig, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Lamdudwig, he will torture you forever.

Lamdudwig's most sacred site is Troms in Norway.

Lamdudwig's Holy Commandments

1. Never bounce in the presence of elders.

2. Always wear turquoise.

3. Hide if nine nematodes approach from the west.

4. Do not utter prayers while touching titanium.

5. Erect a giant magenta sculpture of Lamdudwig in the centre of the settlement.